I have been a little self-absorbed lately. Be kind, I can hear you, you know. I can hear you saying, “No shit, Sherlock” and “That’s the understatement of the year.” I know. I know. Even when I’m all knotted up and feeling sorry for myself, I know. But one thing I’ve learned: When I’m feeling defeated and vulnerable and downright crappy and someone dares to remind me how pathetic I’m acting, I end up feeling worse. Reminds me of how my father would threaten to “really give me something to cry about.” Never did make me stop crying; just forced me to contort myself into a tighter knot trying to keep it in.
These past few weeks have felt painfully similar to those childhood memories of knotted up tears. Seems I’ve been crying all over the place and, everywhere I turn, someone else is handing me a wad of paper towels and suggesting I clean up the mess I’m making. So I figure I had better find a therapist. Therapists are good that way. They get paid to listen to incessant whining. It doesn’t really matter so much what they think afterwards, for a whole 45 minute hour, I will have the luxury of crying my heart out to someone who cares – for a fee, of course.
In the meantime, I am celebrating the wonderful community of sober bloggers across these pages. Their writings continue to encourage me. In recent days, I have been reminded that gratitude is a necessary component of being able to live and love freely; that alcoholism encompasses a greater spectrum of dysfunction than having simply drank too much and too often; and I am the only one who can take my life and do something with the gift of days remaining. Such reminders may seem to underscore the obvious, but I suspect my knots have kept me tied up and too long away from these simple truths.
So, here you have it. Another verbal interlude between pictures. Mostly, I wanted to give a shout out to my fellow bloggers whose gracious words of wisdom keep appearing in my Reader. I thank you. There is no way I can be certain if I’ve reached a turning point or have merely stepped off onto a side bar, but at least in this particular moment I am feeling a bit more positive and encouraged and determined to unearth whatever joy is to be found beneath each step along the rest of my journey. That’s no small thing. Wouldn’t mind a whole long string of similar moments just like this one.