Nine Months!

I could have had a baby!  At least that’s what I’ve been thinking as I’ve inched closer to the nine months mark.  Granted, my actual sober date is still 48 hours away, but if we stick with the pregnancy analogy, I could, theoretically, go into labor any time now!  Nine months has seemed like an incredibly long time and I can’t help but think of the women who had three-four-five-even (omg) six children.  That’s a lot of pregnant time; a lot of waiting and growing and a great deal of time spent praying, I am sure.  At least those things pretty much sum up these past nine months of my life.  A new life has been growing inside of me alright and I’m still not sure what I’m going to name her!

When I was hovering around day one, still being sober at nine months seemed an absolute impossibility.  I think I spent most of my alone time at rehab silently scheming what constellation of circumstances would warrant an exception to this new sober rule.  I didn’t imagine for a minute I was going to be sober forever.  I was just taking a much needed break.  I’d get myself healthy again, put some weight back on, straighten out my life, get my career back on track, and everything would be fine.  Certainly by then, I would be able to enjoy a glass of wine here and there and a frozen margarita on a night out with friends and the occasional cold bottle of beer after an afternoon spent in the sun.

Memorial Day weekend isn’t officially here yet, but for all practical purposes, it’s already summer.  Everyone’s in shorts and restaurants and bars are spilling onto their outside decks.  I’ve been down to the docks.  I’ve heard the music and chatter and laughter of already tanned and presumably happy people enjoying what I had always thought was the good ol’ summer time.  I don’t think that anymore.  Summer time is about the ocean and the beach and sunshine.  About the wonderful feeling of coming home to a just warm shower to rinse away the residual sand and sweat of what should have been an exhausting afternoon but wasn’t because I’m so happy I could burst.  About living easy and lingering in the wonder of it all.

I can no longer imagine why anyone would want to waste a summer afternoon in a bar.  I have no intention of missing even a moment of these precious days, of watching this new life that has been growing inside of me take in the miracle of being alive.  Ever since last fall, when the whole of creation seemed to turn bleak, I’ve been waiting on this life; waiting for the sure signs of warm days and the marsh grass turning green again.  I had a doctor’s appointment last Thursday.  Early.  I had to drive through a few towns and then across a long bridge.  The sun was shining like crazy and I had the car windows open and the radio playing and, when I got to that bridge, I nearly squealed with delight:  “The grass is green!” I cried.  “The marsh grass is finally green!”  I swear, the back bays in summer make for the most beautiful sight in the world.  All green and blue and wide.

Such is the new life these past nine months have brought me.  I feel as though I have emerged from a seemingly endless winter.  Indeed, I have! Whole decades of mornings lost and days endured in a relentless fog of regret and irritability.  I find I no longer mind so much if I can’t find a parking space or someone is being obnoxiously rude or plans get rained out.  There will always be some place to park.  Always an escape from toxicity.  Always alternative activities.  Everything is new; and I find myself almost giddy with delight.  I love being sober!  I love this new life that has been born out of my past!  No exceptions please.  I want the real thing.  These nine months have been so worth it!  It’s a girl!  And I think I’ll call her Me!


21 thoughts on “Nine Months!

  1. Well maybe we need to have a virtual “baby shower” for you! Your honesty is so life-giving. I found myself thinking about your description of the docks and people having a good time. It’s so easy to get caught up in the pretty picture that makes. My struggle is with food. I’m diabetic. And yet when I’m in those “good time” situations with the homies it is SO flippin’ hard to think HEALTH before the picture society wants us to be a part of. I know it’s about choices and i have to make the right ones. It’s becoming easier as I get older (read that more mature!). Here’s to praying that life of beauty you’re discovering will become ever more the focus for you. You’ve come a long way “baby!” Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Woohoo! NINE months… way to go, girly! I absolutely get what you’re saying about associating certain seasonal festivities with alcohol. What’s summer without an ice-cold margarita with a hint of salt and lime? I guess I’ll be finding out soon enough :). Congrats, again on this amazing achievement!!

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  3. YES! Congratulations- so happy for you! And thanks for sharing such an inspiring post. It is so nice to be reminded of the gifts in sobriety. Sometimes its easy to slip into the negativity thinking of what has been given up, but the truth is so much has been gained. I needed that today as yesterday I was struggling. I love the pregnancy analogy. I didn’t even think of that- and I just passed 9 months a few days ago 🙂
    Thanks and wishing you the best! xo

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  4. Well said and thank you for the reminder! It is too easy for me to get sucked back into grief over what I have lost and forget the joy of what I have gained. Congratulations and good job! Happy 3/4 birthday and thank you for sharing your journey, both the struggles and rewards.

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  5. Congratulations on the birth of baby girl Me. She sounds lovely and lovable. Hearing of her birth reminds me of my step-daughter’s baby girl when I first saw her less than an hour after she was born. She is my eighth grandchild and I’m getting pretty experienced at this. My immediate reaction was to tell her that I know she comes equipped to manage and grow into whatever life holds for her. I think God’s packaging of a human life is complete and miraculous. It sounds like baby Me is ready to enjoy her new and fabulous life. Love and hugs to you both. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Congratulations, PP! What a neat analogy. Do you ever feel your creativity is blossoming with the rest of you? I enjoy your writing so much. Things are very green here in Austin, too. After many years of extreme drought, being surrounded by so much new life feels magical.


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